 What’s Inside Your Child?
What’s Inside Your Child? Identifying Natural Talents and Passions by Beth Clary Cover Story, Tulsa Kids Magazine, September 2007 Some people have the combination of good fortune, hard work and talent that it takes to turn their childhood passion into a career. Dustin Taylor was close to that reality. As a high school student, Taylor was setting records in baseball. “The Show,” as the big leagues are called, was looking like a possibility for him. In college, Taylor set records and received recognition until a career-ending injury changed his relationship with the sport. Rather than accept defeat, Taylor called upon the other important personal skills the game had taught him. Now, and for the past seven years, Taylor has been coaching youth at the recreational and competitive levels, sharing his knowledge, experience and passion for baseball with kids and their parents. When he has a chance to talk to parents about his experience, Taylor tells them, “Take an active role in your child’s specific sport. If your children see that you care for their sport, they will become more passionate about it and communicate more with you about their goals, problems and concerns.” Identifying a Passion How do we figure out what interests our children? How do we support them, while helping them develop resiliency to failure and disappointment? Some children may show a talent or an interest at an early age. That activity may be all they want to do, so it’s clear how to help encourage that passion. More typically, children show interest in all kinds of things at different times in their lives. If parents want their children to develop into self-sufficient, contributing adults who accentuate their gifts and manage their vulnerabilities well, the on-going challenge for parents is helping children determine those gifts and vulnerabilities. In Michael Gurian’s latest book, Nurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Unique Core Personality, observing your child in times of activity as well as times of boredom is key to developing a sense of the child’s strengths and areas of vulnerability. After years of work as a family therapist and pioneer in the fields of family development, education and gender studies, Gurian wants parents to trust their instincts and intuition about their own children. “Just because a particular child doesn’t start out with a dominant proclivity in a certain area of life doesn’t mean we can’t help the child to try to develop other abilities,” said Gurian in a recent phone interview. “As long as we are respectful of who the child is, we ought to follow our instincts to open the child to opportunities.” When Eve and Dan Munoz’s oldest daughter, Sophia, showed an early interest in music, they had to define a way to help her develop her talent. Sophia was 4 years old when she begged her parents for piano lessons. Eve was aware of Sophia’s interest in piano but decided to tell Sophia that she had to be able to follow directions from her first. If Sophia could do that, then Eve and Dan decided they would find a piano teacher for Sophia. “If I’ve learned anything along the way, it’s that the right teacher or mentor makes all the difference,” says Eve. Sophia, now 17, has had excellent teachers all along and plays in international piano festivals here and abroad. Sophia was so enraptured with piano and classical music that in 8th grade, after receiving admission to Booker T. Washington High School, she begged her mother to pull her out of school. “She wanted to be home-schooled so that she could have the flexibility to practice as much as she needed to before a performance or competition,” said Eve. “I don’t have a college degree, one of my many regrets, so I doubted my ability to teach Sophia. But she’s always had this focus. We knew how hard the world of classical piano could be and needed reassurance that Sophia could have a future there.” With encouragement from Sophia’s piano teacher, Eve and Dan researched online high school programs and read child development books in order to carve out this new path so Sophia could pursue her passion. Stepping away from others’ expectations of us as parents is often one of the greatest challenges. Despite Sophia’s success in a traditional school environment, Eve and Dan knew that Sophia needed something more flexible in order to reach her goals as a classical pianist. Following an unconventional path was a family decision for the Munoz’s, one which was based upon Sophia’s own desire. “Your child’s core nature is thrilling to observe…as it unfolds before your eyes,” Gurian writes in his book. “It’s wonderful to feel confident as a parent to tailor parenting techniques to fit the unique needs of your child’s nature.” Observe and Trust Your Instincts Gurian wants parents to not only trust their instincts and observations of their children, but to put the latest scientific research to use. For instance, genetic research shows that certain traits are hard-wired. “Our children are not blank slates who need every possible color of pencil to draw in a self,” says Gurian. “We must keep listening to the voice inside us that says, ‘My children come into this world with a core nature – a personality, a temperament, an inner sense of purpose – not a blank slate.’” At every stage in children’s development, they come to understand themselves more and they share that with us — if we are paying attention. “Let kids be bored!” says Gurian. “It’s one of the quickest ways to learn what interests them. Watch them when they’re bored and see what they gravitate towards: Playing outdoors? Calling friends? Drawing? A chemistry set? Cooking? Boredom can be one of parenting’s greatest assets.” Gurian encourages parents to develop a personality profile of each of their children. Once the profile is developed, parents can do an assessment of their child’s strengths and vulnerabilities, especially in light of that child’s life of activities and interests. He then describes his Essential Parenting Plan: 3 +1. “One activity should be a cognitive developer – could be school; one activity should be a social developer – could be school too; and, one should be a physical developer – which could be sports or an individual pursuit including walking the dog or biking. Then add one more activity in an area of interest or passion.” The Munoz family has found that observing their children and supporting their expressed interests has served them well. “Dan has always said that whatever the children want to do, as long as it is not hurtful, we will help them to do it,” said Eve. “We’ve bungled our way through a lot of our parenting, but I guess I trust that if I follow my heart and listen to the children and do what I think is best for them, then they’ll do the same for themselves.” “Social Trend Parenting” Are there pitfalls to watch for? Absolutely. In fact, Gurian has reviewed many scientific studies and determined some of the major factors that negatively impact understanding and developing a child’s core nature. They include over-scheduling, overuse of electronic media, poor nutrition and sleep deprivation. These are all contributors to what Gurian calls “social trends parenting,” defined as parenting that emphasizes “social trends and pressures that lead us to raise children in ways contradictory to their natures.” The parents’ need to have children excel in many things and try everything, can prevent parents from paying attention to the unique qualities and strengths of their children. “Aren’t we constantly deluged with the latest trends in parenting?” asks Gurian. “If we don’t play Mozart in the nursery, our kids will fall behind. We are constantly being told how to be perfect parents and have perfect winner kids and, meanwhile, we’re exhausted.” Gurian says that such adherence to outside social pressures can be detrimental to families. “There’s this domino effect with every effort to meet the demands of social trend parenting: kids are overscheduled, they eat at fast food restaurants and stay up late doing schoolwork…their core natures are lost, replaced by anxiety and exhaustion.” All Gurian’s research concludes, “When we pay attention to the nature of children, the children succeed.” Dustin Taylor has seen the effects that well-meaning, but over-zealous, parents can have on young baseball players. Taylor wants his players to succeed, but at the level that is appropriate for that child at that point in his or her development. “One 13-year-old may be considerably more mature physically and emotionally than the next 13-year-old,” he says. “Parents should base their expectations for their child on a standard for children that age.” Taylor adds that his goals for his players are for them to “hustle, work hard and have fun, plus have an understanding of the basic realities of the game.” He sees those realities as: • Work ethic: “With discipline and hard work a player will improve and have more successes and, therefore, more fun.” • Ability to face failure: “Baseball is a game of failure. If you fail just two of three times at the plate, you’re a success. If you fail just one out of 10 times in the field, you’re a success. But you still failed. It’s how you react to failure that will determine future success.” • Control: “A player has no control over the defense’s great play on your line drive or an umpire’s bad call or an error when you’re pitching – you can only control how you respond the next time.” • Teamwork: “Teamwork is sacrificing your individual desires for the good of the team.” Knowing how to apply these things is, in Taylor’s experience, what gives a child a significant advantage throughout his or her life. Very few children will grow up to play in the major leagues. Rather than having a child be number one, Taylor believes that parents should focus on the important experiences that baseball can teach kids. The Role of Parents Michael Gurian’s research shows that the role of parents and children in society has shifted over time, opening up more choices for children. In past generations, children worked to support the extended family in specific gender-based roles. Children followed in their parents’ work footsteps or went wherever they could find work. “While the shift away from those roles has opened up new possibilities that were previously not available,” Gurian comments, “parents must help children identify their purpose in life. We need our children to be helpful, self-reliant and self-sufficient. Service projects, rites of passages, involvement with extended family and communities – all these things can help a child contribute and come closer to identifying their purpose.” One day, Eve and Dan Munoz may watch Sophia play at Carnegie Hall. But Eve may sum it up best, “We’ve learned at various piano festivals and competitions that Sophia is not the only talented pianist out there. But I want my children to discover their passions and then let them pursue them. I’ve learned that’s usually when they’re happiest.” Beth Clary is a Tulsa-based freelance writer. Comment on her story at editor @tulsakids.com. Sidebar:
In NURTURE THE NATURE,
Michael Gurian reminds
parents to “trust their
instincts about their own child’s nature…in the middle of social fads,
experts and infotainments.” Here are some tips to help parents observe
and develop their child’s nature at every stage: Newborns • If your baby seems to be naturally more restless, allow her to be in a safe place with plenty of wiggle room for a brief time. • Let your baby see the world by turning him outward as much as your baby is held close or “inward.” • Gurian suggests that if your baby does not hold eye contact for very long, not to worry. Some babies like refracted light and movement more than others. Do NOT, he advises, put a baby in front of a TV: “the visual movement of the ‘virtual world’ is not what his or her brain needs.” • A baby that is at ease under most circumstances should be enjoyed. Gurian states that not everything about a baby’s core nature is revealed right away. • Babies who are fussy, over stimulated or overwhelming often become some of the most independent and successful women and men. Infants • Know your child – spend time observing and interacting with your child. • Let your child know you – let them see you doing things, laughing, interacting with friends, family and strangers. • Protect your child under all circumstances – this includes visually toxic things such as the computer and TV. Babies need to experience reciprocal relationships that electronic devices cannot provide. 2-3 Year Olds • Continue to observe and know your child. This is a time of sharp learning curves from walking and talking to potty training and socialization as well as the introduction of all kinds of new foods. • “Core nature development during these toddler years is paradoxical,” says Gurian. Toddlers require free play and order, chaos yet discipline and both exuberance and quiet time. • Moral brain is ready so parents can teach right from wrong • Being outside is very beneficial. Parents should view nature as their ally. • Avoid hovering over your toddler. 4-6 Year Olds – The Expanding Mind • “This is an age where the social education of individual core nature becomes central to a child’s and family’s life.” Everyone your child interacts with is a type of teacher to your child – teachers, siblings, grandparents. • Protect your child from the dangers of materialism. While children are naturally attracted to “things” parents can nurture their child’s core nature by choosing “things” with educational value. • Sugary foods and drinks become a large part of children’s lives at this point. Provide healthy foods. • Be cautious with electronics. At this age, everything that goes into your child’s brain is potentially educating him and his brain can not yet fully distinguish fact from fiction. Beware of violence and other stimulants from computers and televisions. Gurian cites studies that show that “even if your child does not see a computer until he or she is 12 or 15, within a few months of exposure, their skills will be in par with kids who were exposed to computers at age 5.” • The physical and social development of being outdoors has lasting benefits. • Stories and artwork can help develop imaginations. • Children can develop a sense of responsibility by helping in small ways with meals, cleaning and putting things away. 7-10 Year Olds – The Age of Relationships • Make and keep time for being with your child one-on-one. • Work on your marriage/divorce with your children as the priority. Gurian states that the primary joint responsibility and focus of married or separated parents is raising your children. He provides a variety of suggestions for ways to protect your family’s time together for the best interest of your child’s development. • Hold down media time and encourage your child’s other interests and their developing sense of purpose by engaging in activities that interest them and develop relationships with extended family, other families, church communities, etc. • Increase responsibilities to develop sense of value to the family and develop skills toward independence. • Avoid over scheduling. Downtime is crucial for all children’s brain development and good health. 11-14 Year Olds - The Age of Adaptation • Be flexible but clear about rules and boundaries that keep your child safe. Gurian states, “What every early adolescent of every generation needs is a safe and secure family base from which to fuel the natural freedom to dream in his or her own way.” • Permit your child’s self-esteem to rise and fall. Studies discussed in NURTURE THE NATURE have shown that a child’s ability to work through his or her ups and downs on his/her own has more positive long-term effects than the temporary praise or criticism of others. • Recent brain development studies provide scientific proof that impulsive behavior, high emotions and being highly judgmental of themselves and others is normal for adolescents. “This is the primary reason your pubescent child needs lots of supervision.” • Honest sex education is crucial for children this age. Take the time, repeatedly, to have open discussions about sex so that you can be sure your child has the correct information as well as the morals you want for them. • Rites of passage are natural and essential and help children grow towards understanding their place in the world. Whether through religious organizations, groups such as the Boy/Girl Scouts or by association with a personal mentor, children benefit from opportunities to reflect on spirituality and their expanding sense of the world. • Increase the role of the father during this time. Children with active and engaged fathers, particularly during this time, do better in general than those without them. He summarizes the results of many studies in these three statements: “The mother is constantly close to her children; the father is constantly striving to be close by making the child come to him. The mother is constantly attentive to the child; the father makes the child earn his attention. The mother takes a longer time to give her children independence; the father expects that independence constantly.” The father can provide essential things naturally at this time. 15-18 Year Olds – The Age of Independence • “Pay attention to your specific teen’s core and needs –not just what society or the media tell you your teens are like.” By looking and listening carefully you can see most of the following: individual personality, emotional style, level of self-motivation, moral sense, ability to empathize, social skills, degree of shyness, and their higher abilities. Identify 2 or 3 areas which draw your child’s attention the most. • Help them consider a mentor, an apprenticeship, specific tasks and skills to pursue. Because this is also a time of trial and error, these tasks may shift and your teen can use your help to identify new mentors, etc. • Help your child manage their peer groups and work towards incorporating those peers into your family and extended family. While teens seem focused on independence and times of solitude, they benefit and, studies have shown, want the attention and support of family. • Help your child develop coping skills so they can handle crisis and setbacks. • Remain in charge of the rules, consequences and responsibilities in your house. Teens are not yet ready for full independence. • Encourage financial independence, education
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